Dear Pizza Hut,

I don’t know what happened, nor do I remember when. But these pleas for attention have to stop “2 mediums for $7.99”, “Free Breadsticks with survey!”.

It’s all sad.

Look what we had, when we had it, was great. You were there for me when I needed you and I apologize for not being honest with you from the get-go; I wasn’t looking for anything long term. I was looking for some cheap fun. A little stuffed crust with no strings attached.

I’ve moved on, to greater, less greasy pizzas, pizzas with flair, personality, sex appeal. You need to move on too. I know it will be difficult, but if you handle it with the same grace you ruined my medium cheese bread, you can do it. I believe in you.

That means no more of these emails, 3, 5 times a week. These desperate pleas for money, attention, begging– it’s unbecoming. You made over $300 mil last year. Start acting like it!

Yours in Crust,
Jacob