What they didn’t tell you about Mall Santa’s is that for years it actually been cheaper to clone them than to barter with the quasi-unions of a bunch of seasonally employable drunks. So every year the MegaMall Corp of America Ltd pays a hefty sum of money in a no-bid contract to Seneca Ethnogenics to have a nation’s worth of Santas delivered to every mall doorsteps the day after Thanksgiving.

You may ask yourself, “Why in the hell would you need to reprint them every year?”. Answer’s simple. Shelf life’s too short. You get 4 weeks, 5 if you really shove it out there early. Easier to scrap them than keep them fed and passing psych for the next 11 months.

So the question is what do you a 10,000 tubbers in stain-resistant suits?

Two words: The Kringling.

One part Running Man, two parts genocide. It’s Santa eat Santa with enough paywalls and advertisements to keep out any but the highest bidders and it pays for itself ten times over.

Best part? Tax deductible. Can you believe that? They call it recycling!

Aaaaahhhh, man. Fucking lawyers.